thankful for what he has
by the-caribou-queen
Summary: Light never appreciates Misa. Matsuda does. Misa dreams of being appreciated. (non explicit sex)


Sex with Light is like having sex with a machine. The sounds he makes are dry, emotionless; he never says her name, never says anything to her. Sometimes, he lets something that sounds like 'L' slip through his gritted teeth, but Misa pretends she doesn't hear it. She pretends Light is enjoying this, that he's staring at her instead of the ceiling, that the movements his hips make are voluntary. She constructs a world in her mind - a world where he gasps out her name and wraps his arms around her and carves his name into her back with his fingernails.

When she comes back from that world, of course, he's already extracted himself from her, already gone to sleep with his back to her. She showers. She lets the water carry away any trace of Light, and then she scrubs away any trace of sex until her skin is raw and hurts to touch.

At one point, she considers mentioning to Light that she's been voted Eighteen magazine's top model, and so he should at least think she's attractive. She doesn't mention it, though, because this is a Very Important Investigation, and nobody needs to know about how attractive Misa is. Nobody cares.

Matsuda cares.

When she next sees Matsuda, she asks to talk with him in private; when he agrees, she takes him to a deserted corridor and gives him the best blowjob he says he's ever had. His hands are gentle when they run through her hair, and he's so careful not to choke her, and when his face is flushed red and his eyes are squeezed shut - he actually says her name. Her own name.

"Why?" he asks between heavy breaths, his eyes still glazed over as he leans against the wall.

"You cared," Misa says with a dismissive shrug. "Caring is more than enough."

He nods slowly, then snaps his head up to look at her with those puppyish chocolate brown eyes. He isn't even hot but she'd happily do him again and again. "Can we do that some other time, maybe, please?"

Misa gives him a genuine smile, and she ignores the dirty looks she gets when they get back to the rest of the team, because Matsuda is still wearing the grin he was wearing when he came, and it's a rather endearing grin.

Light doesn't let her fuck him after that. In some ways it is a loss - she knows she once loved him, before being imprisoned, and so loving him is a kind of normality she has settled into, and so it feels wrong to stop craving him - but it is probably a relief to him. Sex with her was a chore for him, like walking the dog or tidying his room. It was something that had to be done and if he came it was just something that had to be cleaned up: Misa does not miss it.

Matsuda kisses her when they're alone. She never quite gets used to it - Light barely ever kissed her, and her lips must have forgotten how it works, because she has to practice with Matsuda exorbitantly often.

Matsuda's a virgin until the day Misa fucks him on Light's bed. He's soft and warm and cautious, always asking her permission before doing anything. He makes sure she's enjoying every moment of it (and she's enjoying it way too much). He's surprisingly good for a virgin.

He tells her this afterwards as they lay nestled against each other. His chest is still heaving and his face is still red. "You were my first," he says quietly.

Misa doesn't answer; she doesn't want to lie to him. Truth is he's one in a long, long line, he's nothing special. She's fucked people who are sexier, uglier, richer, older, younger, more diplomatic, harsher. Most of them would have left the bed by now. She rests her head on the warmth of his shoulder and melds her body to his. She falls asleep to the sensation of something that could be fingers running through her hair, but she doesn't want to presume anything. She wakes up sprawled over Light and wishes she could sink back into dreaming.

She dreams of Matsuda marrying her and taking her far away from the whole mess of the investigation; she dreams that she'd never met Light in the first place.

Sex with Light is rare and cold and something nobody really enjoys. It's something the couple do because it's something couples should do. While they're going through the motions, Misa constructs a world in her head where she takes Matsuda to empty corridors and sucks him off; where she takes his virginity in this bed; where she's brave enough to demand the appreciation she deserves.

She can't even look at Matsuda any more without thinking about that world.


End file.
